Warmth
by Millie
Summary: An ordinary night. Nothing strange. Yet what is this warmth? Rolivia


Their hands brushed in the elevator.

Light as it was, she sensed warmth radiating outwards from the touch. Fatigued as they were, exhausted from the day, the accidental brush sent a revitalizing jolt through her. It shocked her at first, this energy that radiated from the momentary graze.

The doors opened again on the third floor. More people shoved in. Their sides melded together, the warmth overtaking her. Nearly unbearable. Unexpected and unbearable.

The taller woman's face turned, inquisitive brown eyes glanced at her. "Hey," the low voice was quiet, for her ears only. There was a sudden intimacy to their close proximity, to this stolen moment trapped in the corner of the elevator. "You did good today."

Her toe shoved into the floor of the elevator, confused as to why her cheeks colored ever so slightly. This was new. "Yeah, thanks."

The elevator dinged open on the ground floor. They were suddenly thrust apart in the fray of people getting off the elevator, bodies removed from one another. The warmth was gone. So suddenly. She shoved a curl of blonde behind her ear as she stepped off the elevator. She figured that in the fray of people she would be lost, swept up in the crowd, and perhaps that was for the best. Their moment had been too soft, too kind, too close.

She was exhausted, she had probably fantasized the whole moment. The warmth had been imagined. Surely.

"Amanda." Olivia's voice was next to her. Suddenly she felt very, very tired. Her legs stopped, she turned to find Olivia still beside her. Only a few inches away. Their eyes met. She had never noticed how deep and dark the Sargent's eyes were, how walled, yet how vulnerable they were. She seemed a walking contradiction. Amanda realized for how very little she knew about this woman, she felt as if she'd known her all her life. She trusted her, looked up to her, she wanted to appease her, make her happy.

Olivia was looking at her, they had somehow come to a halt right outside the precinct. "Hey, are you alright? I just wanted to check in with you. It's been a rough few weeks."

Amanda fiddled around in her purse, as if suddenly incapable of making eye contact with Olivia. "Yeah, yeah. It's been rough." She pulled out a cigarette and then fished around for the lighter.

Olivia was looking at her with deep concern when she glanced back up. She wasn't sure why this concern made her feel so uneasy. She flicked the lighter and inhaled her first after work hit of nicotine. It burned so pleasantly, her brain unclouding as she exhaled a cloud of smoke out the side of her mouth, careful not to blow it in Olivia's face. Perfect Olivia who detested smoking of any kind.

"Sorry." She whispered, embarrassed to be partaking in one of her far too numerous vices.

Olivia's brow furrowed. "You, uh, wanna get a drink?"

"Don't have any better place to be?" Amanda scoffed.

Olivia looked a little surprised. "No, I've been meaning to ask you out for a while."

Amanda laughed, "are you askin' me out on a date, Benson?"

It was Olivia's turn to glance away.

"Sorry, that was a bad joke. I didn't mean that…"

"Oh please, you don't know how many times I've been propositioned by women." Olivia chuckled. "Come on, I know a place nearby. If you have the time?"

Amanda nodded and followed Olivia down the street. They came to rest before a charming little wine bar that somehow seemed a fitting setting for Olivia Benson. Olivia, who would like to unwind in such a quiet, charmingly pure, innocent sort of setting. Not like the dingy dives Amanda sometimes found herself in when she was feeling particularly low.

Olivia waited while she finished her cigarette, flipped through several text messages with a little crease in her forehead.

"How are things with Cassidy?" Amanda dared to ask, recognizing that perhaps tonight the line between boss and subordinate might be crossed.

Olivia laughed distractedly as she finished a brief text and sent it off to a recipient whose identity Amanda could very well guess. "Fine, I suppose."

Amanda eyed her superior, reading between the lines that perhaps things weren't so fine. She inhaled the final bit of smoke and butted the cigarette beneath her shoe. She followed Olivia into the warm interior of the well-lit bar, the hint of jazz music fluttered over the speakers and there was a dull hum of people talking, carelessly, mindlessly. There was a certain welcome monotony to this place, a place to forget the outside world existed. Amanda could see why Olivia would like it.

They ordered drinks and settled into a corner booth. Their legs brushed when they sat on the padded cushion. There was that Goddamn warmth again.

"You got everything under control, Rollins?" Olivia asked as she gazed out across the room. Her eyes scanning, always scanning, always taking in new information, storing it up for later, taking note of her surroundings, always on guard. Amanda wondered if Olivia ever just relaxed. She had the sudden urge to distract the woman from her overactive mind.

What had she been asking? Ah, yes. Asking about Amanda, asking if she were good, staying out of trouble. Yes, she had lost her trust. Hadn't she earned it back yet? "Of course. I've nearly gotten my two-month chip, been going to meetings when I have an urge. I'm fine."

"You ever notice how we use the word 'fine' when things are falling apart but they're not bad enough to just through everything away?" Olivia sipped her glass of wine and glanced over at Amanda.

Amanda felt her throat go dry when brown eyes met her own. "Things that bad with Cassidy?"

"Not bad at all. Just," Olivia scratched her neck, "not what I thought they'd be." So vague.

"You're stoic."

"What?" Olivia flashed wounded eyes at her.

"Sorry, it's just…sometimes you're hard to read, you're hard to…to talk to." Amanda had said the wrong thing. That made it sound worse.

"And you're a wealth of emotion." The corner of Olivia's lip turned upwards, amusement. Not anger. "Oh, Amanda." Olivia's hand fell lightly on Amanda's knee. She patted her, then the contact was taken away. "I think I've gotten used to hardening myself. It's a part of the job. Not letting anyone get in. I'm sure you know." She sipped her drink. "It's a part of being a woman in this industry. No vulnerability, no sign of weakness."

"No shit." Amanda swirled her glass of wine about.

"It's not good, though." Olivia sighed, reflectively. "I think I'm better at being alone than letting someone else in."

Amanda glanced up at the older woman, looking so wistful, so sad. She had never seen her this way before. Why was she choosing to open up to her now? Was this a way for them to turn a new corner, to rebuild that lost trust. Or did Olivia just need someone to talk to? She had her therapist, certainly she couldn't wish for Amanda's company so terribly that she'd plot this outing just to sit and gossip with her. They were close, but certainly not this close. Were they?

"If you need to talk about Cassidy, I'm here to listen." Amanda leaned forward, catching Olivia's gaze again.

Olivia sipped her drink and shrugged. "I don't want to talk about him tonight."

"Well if there's something wrong…if he's…"

"Oh, don't get dramatic, Rollins. It's nothing bad. Nothing bad at all…just a lack of," Olivia searched for the word, looked out at the room until it came to her. "Connection."

"I see." Amanda nodded, still uncertain as to why they were discussing this, why Olivia would have chosen her to confide in.

"You got someone?" Olivia eyed her again.

Amanda looked at her hands. She shook her head. There had been that guy a few weeks ago. But he hadn't stuck around. There had been Declan. He was gone now.

Olivia's brow furrowed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to cross a line. If you're uncomfortable talking about this we can discuss something else."

"No, I just…" Amanda eyed her. "I guess I'm not sure if we're on the same page again. You know, ever since…"

Olivia nodded. "I know. I was pretty unhappy with you."

Amanda tilted her head back, eyes opening wide at the memory. "My demons got the best of me."

"When did it start?" Olivia asked kindly, no hint of malice or upset, no doubtful suspicion, questioning apart from an honest concern.

Amanda twirled the wine glass in her fingers. Was there an easy way to explain it away? How her father had taken her to a casino. How she'd fallen into the pull of uncertainty, the highs and lows of watching the money come in and then go out again. How mindless it was. "My father had a problem. He got me into it. I guess it became…a comfort?"

Olivia stoically nodded. She knew she didn't have to explain any further.

A waitress walked by and Olivia ordered another round. She really did not intend on going home.

"Do you have somewhere you need to be?" Olivia questioned again, a little tinge of uncertainty coloring her voice, ever so slightly. Amanda caught it.

"Course not. Do you?"

Olivia shook her head. "Brian's undercover tonight. Won't be home all night. Seems to be the reoccurring theme of our life."

Amanda sensed the tension then. It was unexpressed sexual longings that radiated outwards from the older woman.

"You know I never thought I needed anyone. Hell, I still don't feel like I need anyone. But I had just hoped that I could meet someone who could meet me halfway…" Olivia rubbed her forehead. "I really don't want to unload this on you."

"Well, I'm here and I've got no place to be." Amanda nudged Olivia under the table with her knee. That warmth returned. Olivia smiled.

"Do you think after seeing all that we've seen we're somehow put-off of it?" Olivia threaded her fingers together on the table.

Amanda shrugged. "Maybe. People can be shit."

Olivia laughed. "Brian's not shit."

"I hope you don't mind if I say this, but I you don't love him."

"What?" Olivia's gaze turned bewildered then.

"Well, I mean you seem to like him well enough, but you don't look happy when you talk about him. You didn't seem thrilled when he wanted to move in with you, I think you just like him as a person but there's…something…"

"Missing." Olivia folded back against the seat. "Don't think I haven't thought about all of this."

"Why do you stay?"

Olivia shrugged. "I'm a woman in my late 40s, I just don't think there's much left for me. So, what if he's not the man I dreamed up as a teenager."

"Oh, please. You're Olivia Benson. Hardcore SVU Sargent. You deserve better than that."

"But that's just it. I spent my time building this…this career, this life. And I love it, don't get me wrong, but maybe it's not enough."

"I think it's enough. I mean who says we have to have someone else." Amanda lifted the wine glass to her lips and drank back the last of the wine.

"I think despite everything else we still need people." Olivia whispered, more to console herself than to prove anything to Amanda.

Amanda studied her for a moment, gazed into her far-off eyes. "I'm gonna go outside for a smoke." What a ploy to get away from this moment.

"If you wait a minute I'll come with you. I wanna get out of here. Three glasses of wine might do me in." Olivia insisted, then insisted on paying the tab before following Amanda out of the bar. The whir of the city rose to meet them, the jazz music fading to nothing in the background. And suddenly Amanda felt a sense of loss at the thought that now they would part from this strange meeting. She didn't want to go home, but she wasn't sure she could detain Olivia any longer. It had been a long day, hell a long week, month.

Olivia watched her light up a cigarette, crinkling her nose. "Where'd you pick that up?"

Amanda exhaled a cloud of smoke into the night air. "My mom. Too young. I was young and dumb."

"It's no good for you."

"Thanks." Amanda rolled her eyes.

Olivia made no move to push off, to leave her there in the dim evening.

"Would it be…would you want to come to my place for some food?" Amanda ventured to ask. Feeling utterly silly to be asking, yet Olivia's presence was drawing her in, making her stick around, making her want to stick around. "I mean, I can't cook, but we could order something…" She babbled on when Olivia didn't immediately answer.

She realized Olivia was nodding in the night. "Yes, I'd…I'd, uh, like that." There was a certain amount of relief in her voice, as if she dreaded returning to her apartment that probably didn't feel like _her's_ at all.

Olivia trailed her home like a lost puppy, relieved to have a hot meal and warm place to crash. They sat at the coffee table with take-out boxes spread out between them. And laughter. Somehow laughter had taken over, the day and weeks melting away in the suddenly homey apartment. Amanda realized that she had never considered her New York apartment very homey, not since she'd been sent to the city to take up her new position. But somehow with Olivia in her home it felt, for the first time, like a home.

Olivia's eyes sparkled when she laughed. Amanda liked that.

They didn't touch another drop of alcohol the rest of the evening. They found themselves collapsed atop Amanda's bed, the only place to really lay down and stretch out. Olivia was still in her smart black work pants and plum pink top, but her jacket had been left on the kitchen chair. Her arms were dark, smooth, dotted with freckles. She had such an exotic look, her skin so intriguing compared to Amanda's All-American paleness – made worse by the lack of sun in the city.

Olivia glanced at the bedside table, time registering in her mind. "It's late. I should be going."

Amanda shifted in the bed, still uncertain how they had ended up in this position after such an ordinary day. Not in a million years would she have imagined that her boss would be lying beside her, smelling like coconuts and vanilla. She propped herself up on her arm, glancing to Olivia who made no move to get up after her announcement. Olivia looked up at her.

Amanda's arm reached out and she breeched the barrier between them. Her hand skimmed over that smooth, intoxicating skin. As soft as she imagined. When had she imagined that?

Olivia merely watched her.

"You don't have to rush off."

"Don't you find this a precarious situation?" Olivia laughed as Amanda stroked her arm again, this time with the back of her hand.

"I'm not sure." Amanda smiled. "All those times you say you've been hit on by women…you never…"

"Oh," Olivia turned away for a moment, perhaps to hide the blush that colored her cheeks. But Amanda saw it. "No, I mean…there was a district attorney but we…I mean, we got close, but it was never…"

Amanda nodded.

"You…you've been with women?" Olivia frowned up at her.

Amanda shook her head. "No. I mean, I made-out with a few in college, but doesn't everyone?"

"No." Olivia intoned.

"How do you know that that's not it?"

"Not what?" Olivia asked innocently, but Amanda knew she knew what she was implying. "Amanda, I'm your Sargent."

"Now, don't get all flattered. I'm not saying me."

"Oh, you're not? Then why are you still touching me like that?" Olivia's eyebrow rose, those eyes were observing everything.

Amanda pulled her hand away and suddenly dead air hung between them.

Olivia, by-the-book Olivia, sat up. Amanda thought she might leave then but she turned to look at Amanda. "What if it is?"

Amanda felt her lip curl up at the corner in a smile. "Would that be so bad?"

Olivia shook her head. "No." She sat up further and reached out to place her warm hand on Amanda's cheek. "We couldn't do anything."

Amanda frowned. "Who says I wanted to anyway."

Olivia shrugged and moved to get out of the bed. "Thanks for the night."

"Wait," Amanda crawled across the bed and reached for Olivia. "Wait a minute. Let me think this through. Have you been…have you thought about…"

"I don't…no, of course not."

"I mean you're ridiculously gorgeous, Liv. I've always thought that, but I…I hadn't and now…"

"Then stop thinking about it. I didn't mean for you to." Olivia raked her fingers through her hair.

"Liv," Amanda caught her before she could get up, pressed her hands to her cheeks so that the older woman had to look at her.

"You know, even if I were gay I'm pretty certain I could…no, I should find someone outside the precinct. I mean it's ridiculous how incestuous it is in there. We work and live and breathe together and sometimes I forget that there's a world out there…"

She only shut up when Amanda leaned forward and grazed her lips over the older woman's lips, words dying on mouth before Olivia's lips moved to reciprocate the light, fluttery kiss, melding it into something more. How easy it was to cross the line. How easy it was to fall over. Kissing Olivia felt like kissing someone she had known her entire life. Unlike the others who came and took what they want, Olivia's lips gave. Warmth, kindness, goodness. It was shocking, the number of things that came from kissing Olivia.

Olivia's fingers twirled into her hair, cupping the base of her neck. Olivia moaned, sighed against her as they somehow tumbled backwards into a mass of pillows. Amanda's body was alive as it had not been for some time. She lay on top of Olivia, feeling the warmth of her entire body pressed against her own and she realized she quite liked this, wanted to feel it there with her as often as possible. She was cognizant, knew that Olivia was a well, that they were doing something that was inappropriate. She knew there would be repercussions from this. She even knew that Olivia was not free to be kissing her like this. And yet they seemed incapable of stopping.

The kisses came, the light touches, the heavier touches, the feel of Olivia's swollen shirt and bra covered breast in her hand, the way it made Olivia respond when she cupped it. How warm, how divine.

"Amanda, we…we shouldn't." Olivia sighed.

Amanda pulled away timidly, afraid that Olivia might run now that they had shared this intimacy, gone this far down the rabbit hole.

"I mean, I want to…I mean, I don't even know how but…I think…there are some things I need to clear up."

Ah, so this was more than just a hardly-drunken tryst. This, Amanda realized, was more. And had it always been? And was Amanda ready for something that felt like this? A fear ripped through her.

Olivia was watching, noticed this. "Now…wait. This doesn't mean that anything has to happen between us, nothing more but I…" Olivia ran a hand through her hair. "I can't. Not like this…and then maybe…"

Amanda nodded, understanding what it was that Olivia was saying. "Liv," she pressed a kiss to her cheek, to her jaw, her neck. Olivia responded. "Olivia, will you stay?"

Olivia covered her face with her free hand. Then nodded. "If I…if I stay…"

"Nothing will happen." Amanda smiled down at her.

Olivia's concerned look melted into a calm resolve. Her rigid body softened beside Amanda.

The seconds ticked by. Kisses languorous. They found themselves half-dressed beneath the cool sheets of Amanda's bed. Fingers trailing, exploring, skin-to-skin, intimate, more intimate than being shoved onto the bed and fucked and it was less yet more, so much more.

The morning sunlight filtered in on something new and unexpected. As they lay together in the morning light, legs entwined, arms about one another, scents mingled together on the sheets of Amanda's bed…Amanda realized that perhaps warmth wasn't so bad.


End file.
